


Cast Aside

by Fishpaste



Series: Kuroshitsuji Ladies Appreciation Week [3]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: F/F, regretted sexual encounter, time period accurate understandings of sexualities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:47:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24829312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fishpaste/pseuds/Fishpaste
Summary: Sebastian seduced the nun to get the information his Master required. Afterwards the cult was destroyed and the Queen's watchdog left without a second thought. what happened to Mathilda, a nun who has broken her vows, lost her family and now...perhaps even worse than she had thought...
Relationships: Paula/Mathilda
Series: Kuroshitsuji Ladies Appreciation Week [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1759579
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	Cast Aside

Mathilda sat back on her heels, biting her lip as she desperately tried to stop herself breaking down into tears. It had been two months now and nothing...and while her memory of the past few months was spotty at best, some memories were still clear and vivid. Vivid enough to wake her up at night, flushed and panting and hating herself for it. She had broken her vows, broken her faith and betrayed everything she had believed in. It had been her fault the home she had found there had been destroyed, torn to literal pieces with the family she had found scattered and confused. Many had gone back to their previous lives, some had returned to families, a few had stayed in an attempt to rebuild, but that sense of love and community had gone and Mathilda had mourned it. She had gone to a nunnery in London, looking for that love and peace she had once known and had found it again, her spiritual connection, the feeling of being surrounded by faith and devotion and working with people who were like you and were giving themselves over to a worthy cause.

But now her past actions were coming back to haunt her, she couldn’t live in denial and pretend she hadn’t sinned in such a terrible manner. Her monthly cycle hadn’t occurred for two months, and she was beginning to feel her stomach swelling. She had slept with the beautiful man who had appeared so mysteriously, had laid with him as man and woman and told him all the secrets he sought. She deserved this punishment.

But what to do now? She briefly considered finding a woman who would know how to...take care of it. But her soul balked at that; the child was innocent, why should it be punished for the sins of its mother? She wouldn’t sacrifice an innocent baby simply so she could pretend she hadn’t sinned, she absolutely refused. However, she could hardly stay in the nunnery, she had obviously broken her vows,a pregnant nun? Ridiculous.

She would have to leave. Equally, she had nowhere to go. There were places she knew, where she could go, have the baby and then they would find a new family for it but those seemed just as deceptive as finding someone to abort the pregnancy in the first place. She had lain with the man, she had chosen the actions that had brought this child into being and so she would make up for it by raising this child and teaching them well. Her family was long since gone, not that it had been that large to begin with, but it had been her mother’s passing that had first led her to joining the religious orders. All her friends were at the nunnery, none of them would be able to help her.

The room she shared was cold. Mathilda should have been at her devotions right now, but had excused herself, saying she felt ill. Which she did a little, not as bad as she had heard it could be though, she hadn’t been throwing up every morning or anything. Mathilda had come straight up here to kneel by her bed and pray, but no answer had come to her yet. Perhaps the Lord was angry with her for her actions? She would deserve it certainly. A solution would still have to be found though.

Was there anyone in her past who could help? A distant aunt, a cousin...an old friend. She wracked her brain, trying to think back over every single person she had ever met. Finally a potential name occurred to her. An old school friend, someone she hadn’t contacted in years but they had parted on good terms. And...Mathilda sat up straighter, she had gone into childcare hadn’t she? Become a nanny or a governess or something! Oh, she might just be the perfect answer to Mathilda’s dilemma! She stood up, hunting for paper and a pen, she had to write immediately, there really wasn’t any time to waste! Paula might be the answer to her fervent prayers.

___

The train was old and slow, but Mathilda felt a palpable sense of relief as she saw the city disappearing behind her. Mother Superior had been understanding when she had tearfully confessed the truth of what had happened and had helped her arrange everything. She had written to Paula who had found an empty cottage nearby going for such cheap rent that Mathilda almost hadn’t believed it, until Paula admitted that her young mistress had heard she was finding a home for a friend and had asked her father about it. Apparently Lord Midford owned nearly all the local property and was willing to lease out the cottage for a nominal rent.

Paula hadn’t stopped there though and Mathilda blessed the Lord daily for giving her such a wonderful friend. She’d found employment for Mathilda at the local poor school, who were understanding of her condition and she had even gifted Mathilda with some of her own savings to help provide for the baby. Now Mathilda was on her way, about to meet up with Paula for the first time in years and ready to start a new chapter in her life.

At last the train wheezed its way into a small country platform and Mathilda gathered her heavy bag and stepped nervously onto the platform. The air, even on the station platform, was far sweeter than in London and she couldn’t help the smile that crossed her face. Tilting her head up towards the bright sunlight she almost didn’t even notice Paula hurrying towards her until she was caught up in an embrace.

“Tilda!”

“Paula! Oh, I am so glad to see you again!”

“I am too, it was a wonderful surprise to get your letter? How are you coping?”

Mathilda smiled at Paula, she hadn’t changed in the least, still smiling and happy and seeing the best in every situation. She had never met anyone who just cared as simply and fully as Paula did, she would do anything for those she loved, she really would. Even now Paula was lifting Mathilda’s bag, linking their arms together as she guided Mathilda out of the station, to where a horse and cart were waiting to take them to the village.

“I hope you won’t mind?”

“Hmm? Oh, I’m sorry Paula, what was that?”

“I’ve arranged to take my days off on Wednesdays now, that’s when Bert, one of the gardeners is off, and he tells me he’ll be very happy to drive me to your new house and back. That way I can help you out as much as possible.”

“You don’t have to do that...I mean, not that having you wouldn’t be wonderful, but you’ve already done so much for me Paula, I couldn’t ask for even more from you.” Mathilda stammered. How had she been blessed with such a generous friend? Paula blushed a little, glancing down at her lap.

“I know but...well, having an opportunity to spend more time with you, and to help you seemed such a blessing to me.”

“A blessing?”

“Yes. I’d missed you terribly when you left to join the covenant. I’d never found another friend like you before...or after.”

“Really?” Mathilda laughed, “I’d been thinking of you as my blessing. I’m just so grateful for everything you’ve done for me.”

Paua smiled and ducked her head, the blush staining even her cheeks even brighter as the cart ambled through the dusty sunlit road, taking them deep into the country.

___

The school was friendly and welcoming, the children adored her and Mathilda couldn't help loving them back just as fiercely, so full of life and energy and delight in everything they did. Summer was winding down towards winter and her belly was uncomfortable and large now. She found herself talking to her unborn child frequently, telling them about all the things they would one day have a chance to see for themselves.

She had made friends with the three other teachers, and with Martha, the grocer from the village who sang while she worked and had a crow with a broken wing who sat on the fence behind her house and occasionally brought her shiny things. Martha helped her learn how to take care of a house by herself and gave her sound advice about adjusting to her new life here.

The vicar had welcomed her into the congregation gladly. She had an excellent knowledge of scripture and worked hard to help out where she could. He invited her over for tea at least twice a month and they were carrying on a lively discussion about the book of Mark. His wife was teaching Mathilda chess, she wasn’t very good at it yet but she was having fun learning.

All in all Mathilda was amazed how the love and support she had received from everyone here but not one of her new friends could compare to Paula. As she had promised Paula came to visit every Wednesday, and the occasional evening if her young mistress didn’t need her. It was Paula who had helped her clean and air out the old cottage, Paula who had helped her sew new clothes for the soon to be born baby, Paula who had helped explain to the nosy community that Mathilda’s husband had been killed in a collapsing building - a sentiment that may even have been true, Paula had no idea where the devilishly handsome stranger had vanished to in all the chaos. Paula had been there for her every step of the way, telling her about the community, helping her cook meals and sharing them with her each week, listening to Mathilda when she poured out her worries and fears and reassuring her that she was still worthy of love and good things despite it all.

Mathilda had noticed that Paula always looked wistful when they talked about finding love. She didn't press, it would be rude, especially when her own record was not exactly spotless. But she had an idea that there was someone Paula loved dearly who she couldn’t be with for some reason or the other. At first she had assumed it was the Lord Midford, widely regarded as the most handsome and kindly man in the country, but Paula seemed to have far too much respect for the Lady Frances to even conceive of such a notion. Besides, she never acted shy or embarrassed when he came up in conversation. 

Humming to herself as she prepared for bed, Mathilda mused upon her friend. She wanted to repay Paula somehow, wanted to make her feel as happy as she made Mathilda feel, wanted to make her smile, wanted to be the reason Paula smiled. She just couldn’t think of a way to do it. As she lay down in bed and pulled the coverlet over her she hoped some idea would come to her in her sleep, some way to show her friend how much she valued her.

___

Paula was very excited and Mathilda was trying to make sense of it. It seemed her young mistress had a fiance, the Lord Phantom or something, who was going to be putting on a play in London? And Lizzy was going to be helping? It sounded rather confusing to her really. But Paula was excited and so Mathilda was thrilled for her, and felt she might have the inklings of an idea on how to begin to show Paula how much she cared for and appreciated everything she had done for her.

The next day Mathilda began her research. Paula had said the play was for deprived children who wouldn’t normally get a chance to see an actual play in a theatre. The school Mathilda worked at certainly counted as that as far as Mathilda was concerned! Most of these children would barely see a city in their lives, let alone a performance at a place such as the Royal Opera House! She wrote letters to various officials and charities, even contacting her old Mother Superior about it.

A week later she got her answer, she had been granted permission to take twenty students from her school to London to watch the play! Tickets and food were all covered by various charities for the improvement of the impoverished. Delighted, Mathilda could hardly wait until Wednesday so she could tell Paula about it. She had found a way she could, indirectly, show how much she supported Paula and everything Paula cared about! Mathilda would be there to watch this very important play alongside Paula, to cheer on the Lady Elizabeth and spend time with her most special friend.

Unfortunately when Wednesday arrived, the day before they would be leaving for the play; Bert arrived alone. He told Mathilda that Paula had fallen ill and would not be able to attend the play at all. Mathilda thanked him numbly, surprised at just how upset she was over this piece of news. Bert was kind enough to wait while she wrote a swift letter to Paula, expressing her sympathy and hopes she would be well soon, and that Mathilda would do her best to remember every detail of the play for her friend. She also gave Bert two jars of honey that Martha had gifted her, hopefully Paula would appreciate them, they should help soothe a sore throat as well!

The children were all wildly over excited at everything and Mathilda smiled to see their delight over the simplest of things in London, the buses, the tall houses, the elegant pedestrians, everything fascinated them. She joined a larger gathering of children and their supervisors and stepped into the theatre. In all honesty, she was almost as excited as the children to be here, she might have lived in London for a while, but she had never been one for visiting anywhere as elegant and beautiful as here!

She settled into her seat, keeping an eye on the twenty children she was looking after as they stared around at their grand surroundings. It was all fascinating and Mathilda couldn't wait to discuss it all with Paula, they could spend all day just talking together about it all, she wanted to see the brightness in Paula’s eyes as she told her about the beauty of it all, how pretty her laugh would be when Mathilda admitted that she was even more awed than the children!

The play began and Mathilda leaned forward, watching with avid interest. And then...and then a young man stepped on stage. Tall and slim with hauntingly beautiful features, dark eyes and an aura of power, charm and strength. Mathilda froze, barely able to breathe as she watched him. He was a magnificent actor, but she knew that already, knew just how easily he could convince an audience of his intentions, how carelessly he could play with someone’s feelings. He moved like a predator and her mind flashed back to the one damned night, pressed against him in the hay, overwhelmed with sensation and desire. How, how could he be here, acting in this play? She had thought him dead or gone, had never wanted to see him again in her life! The baby, perhaps sensing her distress shifted in her visibly pregnant stomach and Paula pressed a protective hand over it. No. She would not let this man ruin her life further! And she would most certainly not let him blight the life of her innocent child!

Burning with rage Mathilda barely noticed anything of the rest of the play, not the plot or the characters or even the scenery. She just stared at the dark haired dark eyed man and found herself hating him with a passion stronger than anything she’d felt before. He had torn her life to pieces and now, just when she was rebuilding it, he had the nerve to appear again, seeming completely unbothered by everything? The pitiless monster of a man!

Her anger lasted her through the play, through the long train ride home, taking the children back to their parents and walking slowly and carefully back to her house, swollen ankles protesting every step. She had hidden her fury from the children, and didn’t think any of the parents had noticed either, too distracted by their thrilled and exhausted children to see the storm brewing in their teacher. But once she stepped inside her home, the sanctuary she and Paula had built together, the anger drained away as fast as it had come, leaving her empty and aching with loss and sadness.

The man who had ruined her life lived. He hadn’t even bothered to track her down, not caring at all about what they had shared. She was just that insignificant a detail to him, just used to get information about her home and then discarded without thought of what her future might have entailed. Tears tracked down her cheeks as she knelt by her bed, shaking hands clasped in prayer for understanding, for hope, for forgiveness.

___

Mathilda didn’t know how she got through the next week, barely holding onto her composure, managing to smile for her children and their parents, chatting with Martha and the vicar as though nothing was wrong. Praying at church with her hands clasped so tightly her knuckles were white and bloodless.

At last Wednesday came. Mathilda couldn’t sleep that night, every part of her body just longed for Paula, for Paula’s sympathetic smile and her warm hugs and gentle words. She needed Paula more than she could even say, needed her friend.

When Paula stepped off the cart and Bert clattered away to his own family down in the village, Mathilda ran as fast as her heavily pregnant body would allow, almost throwing herself at an astonished Paula. The tears she had been holding back all this time burst free as she clung to Paula and wept.

Paula must have been confused, but she led Mathilda back indoors, poured tea for them both and listened as Mathilda managed to tell Paula everything that had happened between sobs. She held nothing back, the truth about what had happened that night, how she had betrayed her home and the people there, how she had seen the man again and how he was doing just fine without her, how she suddenly realised how much of a fool she had been, and how silly he must have thought her for even falling for him in the first place.

Throughout the explanation Paula listened, holding Mathilda’s hands and encouraging her whenever she became too overwhelmed to speak. At last the story was told and Mathilda’s tears had dried up, leaving her feeling tired and hollow but inexplicably relieved to have finally told someone about everything. Paula now knew it all and she hadn’t run away or become disgusted with her.

“I-I’m sorry for burdening you with this all Paula…” She admitted. Paula gave a slightly shaky laugh.

“Don’t be silly Tilda, I’m just so glad I can be here to help you, in any way.”

“But you’ve already done so much for me, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough for it all.”

“You don’t need to thank me Tilda, you really don’t. It was a privilege to help you when you needed me, I was so happy when I got your letter, I’d really missed you.”

“Missed me? Why? And there’s a big difference between missing someone and doing all-all this for them!”

“But you’re a good person who deserves to have as much as I can give.”

“I’m not a good person…” She admitted, swallowing back a fresh wave of tears. “I sinned, I’m having a baby out of wedlocked and I’ve lied to everyone about it and I don’t know what’s going to happen in my future!”

“Oh Tilda…”

“Paula...why are you still here? Why do you care? I’ve been so shameful, you shouldn’t even want to be near me.”

“Because I love you!”

“I love you too but that doesn’t seem enough…”

“Oh Tilda..” Paula’s voice cracked and Mathilda looked up, surprised to see tears shining on Paula’s cheeks all of a sudden.

“Paula?”

“You don’t understand Tilda, I love you. I’m in love with you.”

“What?”

“I know,” Paula gave a watery smile, her hands suddenly trembling against the tea cup she held. “I know you don’t feel the same, I know it’s a sin and I shouldn’t, but Tilda my darling, I’ve loved you ever since we were thirteen years old and you helped me braid my hair and held my hand on the way to church. You were like an angel, you moved from just being my best friend to being...to being the joy of my life. Every day after that we spent together I just fell more and more in love with you, I wanted to spend every minute of my life with you.”

Mathilda stared at Paula, completely blindsided by this confession. Paula seemed to sense her shock and hurried on.

“I just wanted to be with you always, but you were always destined for better things than me, I knew you were. And so you moved on and I smiled to see you go and be happy and achieve your dreams. When your letter came it rekindled a flame that had never really died. I never found anyone who I loved like I cared about you. There were several that showed interest...but I just couldn’t care for them in the same way.”

“Paula…”

“I love you Mathilda...I always have and I think I always will. It’s alright, I understand you don’t feel the same way, I understand if you never want to see me again or think I’m a fallen woman or something. But I don’t think a love that feels this pure and, well, right could ever be something dark or foul.”

Paula stood up, taking the teacups and teapot to the sink to wash them out, giving Mathilda a moment to breathe and think. The once nun, now soon to be mother, stared at her friend’s back as she moved, trying to process what had just happened.

Paula loved her? Romantically? Mathilda didn’t think she had ever heard of such a thing, women were allowed to love other women? Paula seemed convinced that Mathilda would see it as a sin and shameful, but nothing in her reading of the bible had ever suggested that a woman couldn’t love another woman, couldn’t fall in love and care for each other. Maybe there were laws against it, but Mathilda had always followed the higher laws, those laid down by God and not Man.

So she had no moral stance against Paula’s love, but did she dislike it? Mathilda bit her lip, trying to sort through her own feelings. Within her the baby twisted and kicked and Mathilda smiled at their energy, perhaps they were as confused as she was. She hadn’t known women could love other women but now that she thought about it, several things that had always slightly puzzled her seemed to fall into place. No wonder she had never found the ‘loss’ of men and husbands upsetting when she had joined the nunnery. She had always preferred women, always wanted to be in their company over mens and found them so much more preferable in every way.

The dark man had been exciting and alluring but...it had also felt oddly wrong even as she was participating in the act. Pleasurable certainly, and she had assumed the sense of wrongness came from the knowledge she was breaking her vows and faith. But what if it were more that she had been made to love women instead? Like Paula?

Did she love Paula? She did dearly. When she was with her she felt more alive than any other time, she wanted nothing more than to help make her smile and laugh, and spend time just talking and being with her. On the days when Paula couldn’t come over Mathilda almost felt as though her life were on hold, just patiently waiting for Paula to return and bring meaning to her existence.

Paula must have finished washing up the cups because she was in front of Mathilda now, looking nervous and a little sad, as though she half expected this to be the last time she ever saw her again. She didn’t say anything though, just waited for Mathilda’s verdict, waited to hear if she was to be thrown out or exposed or hated or accepted.

“Paula I…”

“It’s alright Mathilda.” Paula said quietly, looking away. “I can leave, I should never have told you...never have put you through this-”

“No, don’t leave! Please don’t leave me!” Mathilda climbed to her feet, grasping forward to hold Paula’s hands. “Please. You’re the most important person in my life, I don’t know what I would do without you, I don’t think I could go on without you!”

“I-”

“You saved my life, and you’ve been my friend and more for so much longer than I’d ever realised. Paula you are the centre of my whole life, I love being with you, I look forward so so much to your visits and your company, life wouldn’t be worth much if it didn’t have you in it!” She was talking quickly, the words almost falling over each other in her haste to get them all out, to somehow convey exactly what she was thinking and feeling. “Your feelings aren’t wrong, there’s never sin in loving another person, there’s never sin in finding beauty and love in the people around you, how could someone as good and pure and kind hearted as you be a sinner? It’s impossible.”

Paula was staring at her, mouth slightly open in shock and eyes wet. Mathilda pressed on recklessly.

“I love you too! I didn’t realise, didn’t even understand that was what I was feeling, but I feel like you’re the sun and I’m a bed of flowers, every time I see you my heart lifts and the world becomes bright and beautiful. I want nothing more than to be with you always. I love you Paula...I love you.” Her tone had trailed off almost into wonderment as she said that, accepting the truth. She loved Paula, loved her smile and her bright beautiful eyes, loved her silky soft hair and the tiny freckles on her cheek whenever it got sunny. She loved the way Paula hummed whenever she was caught up in work and the way her voice was filled with so much happiness when she talked about her mistress and her work. She loved how Paula could always see the best in people, how she believed in the goodness of everyone around her and could always find the best in any situation. She loved Paula. 

The two young women stared at one another, smiling and laughing and crying as they came to terms with their new truth. Mathilda didn’t know what this entailed for their future, how it would change things, but she couldn't wait to find out. She would get to find out too, with Paula right beside her every step of the way, the two of them bound with love and companionship. 

Her cheeks were almost hurting with the amount she was smiling and she found herself impulsively hugging Paula, feeling the warmth of her body against hers, the scent of pine and sun that enveloped them both. She giggled like a schoolgirl again, confused and excited and wordlessly happy, and then Paula was kissing her and it was everything that her night with the stranger hadn;t been. There was no guilt and no shame, just love so bright and warm it felt like her very heart was aflame with it all.

“I love you.” She whispered as they broke apart, pressing their foreheads together and drinking in the sight of Paula’s large brown eyes so close to hers.

“I love you too. Forever and ever.”

The baby kicked in her stomach again and Mathilda felt that the little one agreed that this was the best thing that had ever happened to her. She had finally found that love and comfort and security that she had always craved, that sense of home and safety and purpose. She had been placed here by God to love and care for Paula and to raise this child with her. This small village, her school, her little cottage with the small kitchen garden was all she had ever wanted. She was happy and nothing would ever take that away from her.

**Author's Note:**

> This was an entry for Kuroshitsuji Ladies week I forgot to post at the time! Hope you enjoyed this belated entry!
> 
> Come hang out on tumblr at Red-Butler for more kuroshitsuji posts and siscussion!


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